During My Eating Disorder, I Was At My Sickest When I Looked The Healthiest
*Contains many TW for eating disordered habits. Please respect your own boundaries if it’s not in your best interest to read these details at this time. If you are struggling with disordered eating, please check out NEDA’s Free and Low Cost Resources. I think it’s important to share my story in the event that someone is unaware that these behaviors are harmful- but if you already know this is sensitive for you, I’d pass.
I started experimenting with bulimia and anorexia at age 10.
I say experimenting because from then on and throughout college, I’d go through phases of being “ok” to the point that I never really considered myself actually ill - even when mental health professionals disagreed. Of course, deep down I KNEW that wasn’t healthy, but I justified it with the fact that so many other dancers I knew did the same thing- to the point that we casually joked about it. Remembering this makes me wish I could hug my younger self- and the younger selves of so many of my dearest friends now in hindsight.
Yes, that was dangerous. Dangerous in a way that we can all agree on. Dangerous in a way that no one would ever question that I needed help (nor did a single stranger hesitate to make critical or praising comments about my teenaged body-depending on who you talked to).
The scariest part of my history of eating disorders, though, came later, when I got obsessed with “wellness”. At my “healthiest” by the most traditional definition:
I was thin but not too thin
experiencing actual fear around entire food groups - like physical pit in your stomach, tightness in your chest, chills, nausea, trembling, shortness of breath level fear with a capital F
having panic attacks if I couldn’t choose the menu/the restaurant at meals
skipping social events so I COULD control my meals (which led to crippling social anxiety-this was actually the real reason I returned to therapy because I’d gotten so anxious around new people and it was a while before I even connected the dots)
a strict vegan (To be clear, I really respect people who make the choice to be completely vegan for ethical and environmental reasons, but in my case, I was lying to myself and using it as a way to not eat in front of other people without judgement)
weighing myself constantly
waiting til my stomach was in PAIN to eat, and then as a result of that restriction, eat until I was incredibly uncomfortable
making up for that by taking 2 and sometimes 3 fitness classes a day
body checking constantly
using calorie trackers so much that I stopped even needing them because all that info lived rent free in my mind, haunting every bite I ate
Orthorexia, or a life disrupting obsession with healthy eating is not yet formally recognized by the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) as an eating disorder- but it’s showing up more and more in scholarly journals, and is only a matter of time.
None of the above is healthy- and yet I got SO MUCH (again, mostly unsolicited) positive attention for my body, discipline, and “consciousness”. Yes, as a teen, I was the stereotype. An obviously too thin, white, cisgender female, dancer with alternating anorexia/bulimia. But life isn’t a Lifetime movie. Eating disorders don’t always look like that. In fact, a sickening amount of eating disorders go undiagnosed because as a culture, we support and encourage that behavior in people with larger bodies or who don’t “look sick”. My own adult evolution didn’t “look sick” either. As an adult, my eating disorder body didn’t look a whole lot different than I do now-in fact, I don’t think you’d really be able to tell from the outside. Through practicing intuitive eating and exercise, my natural weight set point is still only around a size 4/6 (I do not record my weight anymore). My appearance didn’t change drastically- I had to go a size in clothing, but nothing obvious to an outsider- and more importantly, still very much a societally accepted weight. But mentally?! I’m nowhere near the same person.
My story is not unique in the slightest, and also really drives home the idea that size, weight, and shape and not indicators of health. We vilify those in larger bodies even when they actually are healthy- because we’re so conditioned to make assumptions. Health can exist at sizes way larger than mine and yet still we vilify those bodies. Sickness can exist in bodies that look like mine, and yet, we glorify those. The wellness industry needs to change and acknowledge this.
Sadly, so many gyms and trainers still fail to understand orthorexia, and push damaging habits on to students. I created Helen Phelan Studio with the intention to provide a safe space to move in a way that feels amazing physically and is nurturing to your overall well-being, which includes you mental health. You can check it out for free for 10 days here.